Monday, October 28, 2013

Graduation

The day my sister graduated with her degree was a highly emotionally charged day for me. I was left juggling mixed feelings and thoughts for a few days. Having never really had to struggle through studies since 5 yrs old, she faced the lowest point of her life just about 2 yrs back. The wheel of life turned alright and she was at the bottom. I was worried. My protective nature was afraid it would be too hard for her to recover in time. There was really nothing I could do, because I can't even imagined what I would do or how I would react if I were in her shoes..to have it happened to me with the experience I had as myself is another but to have it with whatever experience she had all this while at the top...I couldn't even imagine how low she fell.. (Dear God, I am a sinner and she is a good girl, don't make it too hard on her).

It breaks your heart watching your loved ones struggle. I know someday the wheel would turn from top to bottom, though I steadily telling myself prior that we will go through it definitely, but when it finally happened, the meteor hit us real hard, the hardest we had to deal with when it comes to her, rendering us off the gravitational safety path of her orbit, dropping off the course was even seriously considered.

While it was never about the money, it broke my parents' hearts when the result came out and losing the scholarship was like crushing any possible residues of doubts. Sad and disappointed...disheartened, are the heavy words from mom and dad, and she, she was speechless, unable to comprehend what went wrong. They were broken, I had to be strong. I prayed for the right thoughts and words to articulate the worries away, pull them back into orbit. As natural as I could, as 'me' as possible, we talked, together, separately, multiple times on each of their crushed expectations, disappointments, worries. And as wizardly as possible, making them dismiss all of the negatives and putting hopes and faith back in place.

Today realized, for the courage, hopes and faith raised, I have been absorbing the disheartened and disappointments from the crushed expectations and hopes, worries and fears for recovery into me in exchange. Thus explained yesterday, on her graduation day, when I could finally relax and hold my guard down thinking the job was successfully carried out, the memories and absorbed pains from the tough time returned, in non coherent flashback scenes in my head. I became emotionally overcharged, I lost control of my heart, and in the hall where we were all together for the one moment that mattered most, I broke down. Fuck, did I break down, so hard to a point where I didn't know when I would recover, couldn't even imagine how I would recover...

There are energies charged in strong emotions, and energies can't be destroyed, they can instead be transferred. If they can't emotionally recall their heartaches, it's cause I've absorbed them all, some kind of magic is real because God does answer your prayers.

Dear God, between you and me, I thank you, and give me the magical combination of a heavy rain and a perfect timing, because I need to discharge.

1 comment:

Ayu Ikhwani said...

I don't know what happened.. but I can see you're a good sister =) Can't imagine you actually breaking down.. but those are reserved for when you have been the strongest, kan =)